Dmitry Likhachev: about good breeding

You can get a good upbringing not only in your family or at school, but also in yourself.
You just need to know what real good breeding is. <...>
I am convinced <...> that real good breeding is manifested first of all at home, in my family, in relations with my relatives.
If a man on the street lets an unfamiliar woman pass ahead of him (even on the bus!) And even opens the door for her, and at home does not help his tired wife wash the dishes, he is an ill-mannered person.
If he is polite with acquaintances, and with his family he is irritated on every occasion - he is an ill-mannered person.
If he does not take into account the character, psychology, habits and desires of his loved ones, he is an ill-mannered person.
If already in adulthood he takes the help of his parents for granted and does not notice that they themselves already need help, he is an ill-mannered person.
If he turns on the radio and TV loudly or just talks loudly when someone is preparing lessons or reading at home (even if it is his little children), he is an ill-mannered person and will never make his children educated.
If he likes to mock (joke) over his wife or children, not sparing their pride, especially in front of strangers, then here he (excuse me!) Is simply stupid.
A well-mannered person is one who wants and knows how to reckon with others; this is the one to whom his own politeness is not only familiar and easy, but also pleasant. This is the one who is equally polite with the older and younger years and by position.
A well-mannered person in all respects does not behave "loudly", saves others' time <...>, strictly fulfills promises made to others, does not put on airs, does not turn up his nose and is always the same - at home, at school, at the institute, at work , in the store and on the bus. <....>
There are many books on "good manners". <...> But people, unfortunately, draw little from these books. This happens, I think, because books on good manners rarely explain why good manners are needed. It seems that having good manners is false, boring, unnecessary. A man with good manners can really cover up bad deeds. <...>
What's the matter? What is the basis of good manners leadership? Is this a simple collection of rules, "recipes" of behavior, instructions that are difficult to remember everything?
At the heart of all good manners is concern - taking care that a person does not interfere with a person, so that everyone would feel good together.
We must be able not to interfere with each other. Therefore, there is no need to make noise. Noise will not close your ears - this is hardly possible in all cases. For example, at the table while eating. Therefore, there is no need to chomp, no need to loudly put a fork on a plate, noisily suck in soup, speak loudly at dinner or talk with a full mouth so that the neighbors do not have fears. And you don't have to put your elbows on the table - again, so as not to disturb your neighbor.
It is necessary to be neatly dressed because this reflects respect for others - for guests, for hosts or just for passers-by: you should not be disgusted to look at you. Do not bore your neighbors with continuous jokes, witticisms and anecdotes, especially those that have already been told by someone to your listeners. This puts the audience in an awkward position. Try not only to entertain others yourself, but also let others tell you something.
Manners, clothes, gait, all behavior should be restrained and ... beautiful. For any beauty does not tire. She is "social". And so-called good manners always have a deep meaning. Do not think that good manners are only manners, that is, something superficial. By your behavior, you bring out your essence.
It is necessary to cultivate in oneself not so much manners, but what is expressed in manners, a respectful attitude towards the world: towards society, towards nature, towards animals and birds, towards plants, towards the beauty of the area, towards the past of the places where you live, and so on. ...
You don't have to memorize hundreds of rules, but remember one thing - the need to respect others. And if you have this and a little more resourcefulness, then the manners themselves will come to you, or, better to say, the memory of the rules of good behavior, the desire and the ability to apply them, will come.

Dmitry Likhachev "Letters about the good and the beautiful"