Rejoice in the present

Yesterday morning I woke up to the aroma of coffee that my husband was brewing in a Turk. I thought how good it is that I have a beloved, living spouse. Thank God! Every day I want to thank the Lord on my knees. I suddenly remembered the words that we usually hear at a wedding: "You still have everything ahead!" This is what peaceful, warm married couples say, who have more than a dozen years of living together. Yes, they had everything, and little children, and sleepless nights, and conflicts, and a series of joyful events, and grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren ... So my precious grandparents, who have been legally married for 53 years, said so. And I believed everyone who convinced me that true happiness and true love come in about two decades ... No, of course, these wise people spoke the truth, they shared sincerely and earnestly, but this was their path to sacrificial love, many years , rich, long. But God has prepared a different path for me, just over 11 years of sweet first marriage.

I lived like this for 5-8 years, believing that everything is still ahead of me, that the children will grow up, and I will get enough sleep, that someday we will have a little more money and we will be able to make repairs, that we will marry our daughter and dance slow dance at her wedding, that in retirement I will finally be engaged in long-term daily embroidery, like my neighbor, and my husband will peacefully read the newspapers over a cup of strong tea. All the best will come later, it seemed to me so. Now you just need to save your strength, because there are so many things ahead, both sorrowful and happy ... You must not forget about yourself, because life is so long. And it turned out to be so short. A moment - and there is no man. And what could be lighter ahead? It remains only to remember the past, lived in stupid dreams and expectations of the best. Every widow knows what it is - when another day lived lasts like a year, when you breathe, move, talk with all your might, when you need to think about children, take care of them, but there is nothing: your heart is torn, buried alive, and your eyes are swollen from tears ...

Now I know for sure that the best is not yet to come, but today, right now. I know that there is no time to warm up and all good things should be done right away. In time. From the very first day, love and make your loved one happy, appreciate every moment. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? You need to take care of every sleepless night with children, swing, cover, read fairy tales, sing lullabies. After all, it may turn out that through the fault of the doctor who entrusted the operation to the intern, you will never have children again. And these sleepless nights are the first and last in your life, and these strollers, these little things, these books for the little ones ... Everything breaks your heart. If we knew at least a little the future, then we would appreciate every second.

I didn’t understand before that the most important thing in life is humility. Mom often reminded me of this and was very sorry that I was not like that. "Daughter, how are you going to live without humility?" she said. Life has taught me, mommy. Life has rinsed me out, squeezed me out and hung me up to dry on thin clotheslines that I now, flowing out the last juices, love, breathe, live and give the best to my loved ones. As I can, as I can. What will happen - we'll see. In the meantime, our task, as Empress Alexandra Feodorovna wrote, is to make the people around us happy.

Julia Chursina-Pavlova, 2021