The most heavy day
For the evening, the daughters for some reason quarreled, shouted, I “barked” to calm down. In general, the usual story. My husband returned from work, he made peace, he warmed everyone (he can do this). The girls told him their little misfortunes, insults. And everything was immediately forgotten. And again love, laughter, games. Only the eldest, Varyusha, was all the time kind of very sad. She looked at me with her sad eyes and seemed to want to say something.
“Varya, do you want to talk to me?” I asked. "Yes mom!".
We locked in the room. Sit - silent. Only I see, her eyes are filled with tears. "Well, say, daughter, do not be silent ...".
And Varya started talking ... "Mom, you know, I love you very much ... But now you were wrong ... After all, I can say that you were wrong?" - "You can, Varya!".
“We quarreled with the girls, you told us to“ quickly stop and leave the kitchen, ”and didn’t even ask what happened. And I asked them to help you together, get out. And they are spoiled. I was so upset! And so wanted you to hug me! And you got angry. " I pulled my daughter to me. "Forgive me, Varenka!"
And she said everything. She said ... That I never knew. What just did not think. Although I thought that we had a close, trusting relationship with her. She spoke and seemed to be throwing out all that had accumulated over the years in her tender soul, all the pain that I, the mother, who was madly in love with her, had inflicted on her. She talked about some duckling whom she had carved for a long time and diligently at the age of five, and wanted to give me a present to please. And I scolded her for scraps of paper scattered everywhere and glue on the floor. It turned out that she had slept with him under her pillow for a long time and was sad that her mother and duck were not needed.
She said that when Sonya was born, she also wanted to be small again. Because I spend all the time with the baby. I wanted her all the time to take her hands and kiss her head ... And even began to try to "lisp" "like babies" ... And I told her sternly: "Don't make faces!"
She talked about how someone offended her at school, and she really wanted to talk to me, to cry. And I was busy with something and shrugged it off: “Then!”.
I did a beautiful trick on my work and rushed home to give it to me, and I scolded her for three. And the odd job was left lying in the briefcase.
She said that I was very good, but quick-tempered. And she often climbs to her upstairs bed and imagines how it would be nice if I was always calm and affectionate. He also dreams that we should sit down with the whole family and stick pies. And let the whole kitchen be in flour and dough, but how fun.
And how painful she is when we sometimes shame with dad: "You are so good, you love each other so much ... Never, hear, never quarrel!"
And she said a lot of things ... And I sat, listened ... And now I already had tears rolling in hail.
“Mom, are you offended, what did I say to you? I have long wanted, just afraid to upset you! I went to the temple and told all this to God. I told you now, and it became so easy for me! ”
No, my dear daughter, I was not offended. It just hurts me. It hurts because I forgot myself so quickly - as a child.
How I myself cried when working and forever busy parents had no time to listen to me. And at night I was crying out my troubles to the plush dog Bim.
How about six years old she wanted to give a gift to her parents for the New Year and glued a house out of cardboard. Joyfully rushed to the room to give them, but they had some problems and they let me out: “Then! Go clean the room! ” And how I cried in my arms with this house.
As I roared for something, but they said to me: “Stop now! This is bullshit!". And for me it was not nonsense, you know? And I promised myself that with my children everything would be completely different. Everything! Differently!
How can we, parents, quickly forget everything! How important, smart, strict we become. How callous! And how we hurt our children with what our parents sometimes wounded us - by chance, without thinking. Why do we cease to understand that something that is not important to us may be important to our children? Why don't we hear them?
Varenka, my dear! You grew up! You are a full ten years! You already see me not as a “wonderful world”, as babies see mom. You see me as I am, with all my flaws! Thank you for that! Now I need to learn to be a mother of grown-up children.
I heard you! You helped me a lot! And I want you to know. You and your little sisters are the most beautiful thing that ever was and is in our life with dad. We so want you to be happy. And so that there would be no more reasons for such conversations. We sat for a long time with our daughter, embracing, telling each other about ourselves ... wept ... We roared the whole evening.
Yes! It was the hardest day of my life. And at the same time beautiful! Day of a new life in which I will try to HEAR you, my precious girls.
For the night I made the sign of the cross over them, kissed on the little ones. “Forgive me, Varenka!” I whispered to the eldest. “Mom, I love you so much!” She said through a dream.
Elena Kucherenko
