About bans
Very often we hear and ourselves pronounce the idea that the child should be taught by our own example. But in practice, the parental lifestyle is not always passed on to children. Although under certain conditions, children easily follow the rules and comply with the prohibitions set by parents. I will give an example.
When there are a lot of children at home, one of the main problems is cleaning the house, because children have an amazing ability to cause dirt. To make it easier to deal with the dirt at home, a ban is introduced: food from the kitchen is not allowed out, you can’t eat in the rooms. In order for the ban to be effective, and children not be offended by the ban, all adults must observe an important condition: the ban is valid for everyone and always! We all easily observe the prohibition in our life: “Do not jump from the window, otherwise you will break it.” Because this is the law of physics, it acts on everyone and always. Therefore, any prohibition must have the force of the law of physics. You can’t eat in the rooms: neither mom, nor dad, nor grandmother eats in the rooms, no one ever, neither in the morning, nor in the evening, while watching a movie, or while reading a book.
As soon as dad brings a sandwich and sits in front of the TV, watching a pious Orthodox film, the children draw their conclusions. When the father once again stops the child to take cookies out of the kitchen, the child understands that basically it is possible to eat in the room, but dad forbids this, because he wants to. It turns out that this ban is not a law of nature, but the whim of the pope.
This is where children's insults and suspicions that dad doesn’t give cookies because of malice and dislike of the child begin here. And when there is no dad, you can slowly sneak something into the nursery to feast on during the game. That is why it is now sometimes dangerous to send a child to kindergarten or school. Previously, in Soviet times, there was a single pedagogical space: in the family, in kindergarten, in school - everywhere there were one rules, one requirements created by a single ideological system.
It would be wrong to ban adult children from doing what adults do for several reasons. Firstly, for a child who wants to do everything as an adult, it’s just a shame. Secondly, if the child is internally ripe for this, it is necessary to give an opportunity for the development of a new ability, otherwise adults will delay the development of the child. All parents want their children to be obedient, but remembering obedience, we must not forget the other side. The child, becoming an adult, must learn independence. Therefore, parents at certain times should be given the opportunity to act on their own. The more healthy independence there is in a child, the easier it will be for him to grow up, overcoming the transitional age. At this age, teens tend to show so much disobedience that parents clutch their heads. But such is the law of soul development at this age. To learn how to make a decision himself, a teenager defiantly rejects adult advice and warnings. He wants to prove to everyone and to himself that the decision was made only by himself. Therefore, before doing what is required of him, a teenager often does exactly the opposite. Then he will do it right, but first he will prove to himself that he made the right choice, and not because he was forced to do so.
The transitional age is not the best time to teach children obedience. But this should not be an excuse not to make any demands on adolescents. It is necessary to demand, but we must also remember the peculiarities of age. For example, parents say that their daughter returns at nine o’clock, and she demands the right to walk until eleven. If the parents succumb and withdraw their demands, the daughter will be able to arrive at eleven and twelve o'clock, terrifying her parents. And if the parents do not give in, then the daughter will come at ten. As a result, a perfectly acceptable compromise will be reached. Parents may be satisfied that the daughter’s behavior is more or less under control, and she does not linger until eleven as she wanted. And the daughter may be pleased that she proved to her parents her right to independence.
And in conclusion, I would like to add about the unanimity of parents. Indifference among adults is the most favorable ground for the development of moods and disobedience. When there is no agreement between parents, the child learns to choose what is easier, learns to trick and dissemble. The disagreement of parents is one of the manifestations of a lack of love between them, and all the flaws in the family flow from this root. Thus, I would like to wish parents, first of all, fullness of love, so that their loving hearts would tell them what to do with their children. So that they believe and hope that the most wonderful abilities are embedded in the soul of their children. So that they help their children reveal these aspects of the soul.
Shugaev Ilya Viktorovich
